Sunday, December 25, 2011

Guess I haven't been *too* naugty

Merry Christmas to you all! I hope everyone is enjoying this GLORIOUS day and remembering the true meaning behind Christmas.

Addam, the girls, and I went to my parents house this morning to have our Christmas breakfast and open presents there. My older sister was there as well. My parents surprised Addam and I by getting us a really nice 46 inch flat screen tv for our bedroom, since the tv we originally had ended up in the girls room... so if we wanted to watch a movie at night, we'd have to do it on Addam's desktop computer. This tv will be a wonderful addition to our room, that's for sure! My parents got the girls a few little gifts as well that they are enjoying.

Our breakfast at my parents was really nice, although anytime Addam and I are around them things get to a be a little awkward (long story). It would be really rude to say we were glad to leave, but we were just ready for go to Addam's moms house where we both knew the atmosphere would be a little better.

From my families house to his moms house is about a 2 hour drive and within 15 minutes in the car, the girls were asleep which gave Addam and I some nice quiet time to ourselves. When we got to his moms, we watched the girls open the rest of their presents then his mom took them outside for a little scavenger hunt. While they were out there playing, Addam and I were sitting on the floor by the fire place drinking wine and listening to Christmas music when we pulls out a jewelery box that had "Kay's" written on it. You know you're getting something really nice when you see the world "Kay" lol. He had special ordered me a GORGEOUS diamond horse shoe necklace. With money being so tight for us, it shocked me that he had spent so much but I am definitely grateful and put it on right away.

It feels so nice to finally be a family again, and that alone is the greatest Christmas present anyone could have ever given me!

We will spend the rest of today at his moms where we will have a huge dinner with the rest of his family and then spend the night. We may go back home tomorrow or stay another night. We aren't sure, but we're just enjoying family time. There is truly nothing better!

Happy Holiday's everyone!!!

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Life... Life is GREAT

As you all know, I've been going down a pretty rocky path with Addam for about the past 6 or 7 months. We basically 'split up,' I moved out, and yatayatayata. Any who, things for the past 2 months have gotten pretty great. So now for my BIG announcement...... Despite the fact that we are already married..............

ADDAM PROPOSED (again)! I'm such a happy lady right now, and I couldn't have asked for a better Christmas present! We were laying in bed the other evening after I had just gotten back from a rough day at work. He kept staring at me ALL EVENING (creeeeeeeeepy!). Finally, after dinner he went to his room. I followed him so I could relax for the first time all day. He started talking to me and asking me a couple of little questions, and then sat up above me and said, "Will you marry me?" I just sort of looked at him before asking about 30 different times, "are you sure?" Of course I said yes. So we are going to plan a second wedding. Our first wedding was just at the court house, so this time we're going to do the whole "wedding dress at the chapel" thing.

So what do you ladies think of these 2 fancy numbers? I am in LOVE!

It'll probably be more than 1/2 a year before we actually have the wedding, but it's gonna happen (even if I have to drag him by his kahunas). Oh! And we're back to living together too. :) Ahhh yes, I am one happy gal!

On another note, I really hate ignorant, no good, dirty rotten people. So for the last 2 years I have been trying to find those reindeer antlers for your car that come with the little red nose for the grill of the car, but I never could find them. So this year I ordered them for $25 off of amazon. Any who, the other night I was at Addam's and when I went to go to my car one of the antlers had been snapped in half and the nose was completely gone. I'm FURIOUS! I told Kalie and Madelyn to find out which one of their little friends did this act of crime but I doubt I'll ever know. So thanks little rats, for ruining my lovely and very cute Rudolph car decorations! I hope Santa brings you nothing but a little lump of coal... frankly you don't even deserve that.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Back off! He's Mine!

Why some women (and men) find the need to go after someone who they know is taken is beyond me. It is honestly one of my biggest pet peeves (and I have A LOT!). So stop trying to be a home wrecker, find yourself a man or woman who is SINGLE, and leave the taken ones alone.... alright I'll back track and start from the beginning:

Adam, Kalie, Madelyn, and I decided to go have a nice family dinner last night at Cracker Barrel (I'll have the Chicken Fried Chicken please!). The first 15 minutes of us sitting down was pretty much a disaster with Madelyn spilling her tea, Kalie knocking the plate of biscuits and corn bread on the ground breaking the plate, and Adam looking as frazzled as ever... but eventually we all started to settle down. Our meals came and we were all enjoying each others company. Finally, after we had all finished eating dinner, the waitress came to our table and asked Adam how long he had been in the Navy (I reckon she saw his Navy jacket sitting on the back of his chair). They started talking, which was completely fine with me, but then she started getting into her personal life. She started telling him how she and her husband are getting a divorce and how he is in the Air Force and blahblahblah. THEN she asked if she could have his number! Oh. My. God! Lady! Do you not see me sitting here with my WEDDING RING on my hand positioned where you can clearly see it?! I don't think Adam was really thinking anything into it. He has always had a tendency to be oblivious to woman who are flirting with him. I guess he just doesn't know what flirting is (poor guy). Luckily Adam said that he only kept numbers in his phone of family, super close friends, and people he worked with. After a bit,

I took Kalie and Madelyn over to the big checker board since they had been dying to play all evening. When I turned my head over to look at Adam to smile at some wacko thing Madelyn had said, the waitress was back again but leaning on the table EXTREMELY close to Adam clearly trying to turn on the "charm." This just got to be to much. I told the girls to continue playing, to be quiet and be good, and that I'd be right back.

I walked back to the table and tapped the waitress on the shoulder. She turned to look at me as I held up my finger with my wedding ring on it, "Do you see this ring? This is my WEDDING RING. Do you see the ring on his hand? That's his wedding band. Can you put 2 and 2 together and understand that we are married? So I would appreciate if you would stop hitting on MY husband and get back to work." On the 15 minute ride home, I was quiet the entire time. When we got back to the house, the girls went inside and Adam and I sat out in the car. He looked over at me with a questioning look. I told him that nothing bothered me more than someone hitting on someone else who they know is either married or in a relationship. I've never been the jealous type, hell Adam can have all the female friends he wants I truly could careless, but when a person finds the need to flirt with my HUSBAND that just draws the line.

Maybe I over reacted, I don't know. It just bugs the hell out of me ya know? When our relationship is better then ever and then to have some moron try and hit on my husband? It just really hits a nerve.

OK, I've vented enough. So what do y'all think? Did I over react? And this ever happened to you?

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Worms, Hair loss, and Halloween.

Ya, I'm totally slacking on blogging... but time just seems to be getting away from lately. School, work, Adam, and the girls seem to be getting ALL my attention lately. I've seriously forgotten the meaning of the word 'relaxation' so if anyone cares to share what it is, I'd love to know.

I say that Adam and the girls have gotten a lot of my attention lately, and it probably sounded like it was a bad thing, but trust me... it's not. Last week I actually spent 5 nights in a row with Adam and the girls, which may not seem like a lot for someone who is married, but since Adam and I have 'split' it was a pretty big deal. I know he has A LOT going on his life (I sware that man has more going on in his life than the President), so for me to see him so much in a week really made me feel great. This past Saturday night, I was at my house watching the UT vs. Bama game when he calls me. He says that Madelyn has worms and he needs me to stay at his house and watch Kalie while he takes Mady to the hospital. Worms?! Excuse my French, but what the hell? I was literally going 90mph driving to his house.... made every green light and didn't pass a single cop either (SCORE!). Turns out, Madelyn had a pinnworm, which the doctor said was pretty common for children to get, and that it wasn't to serious... a simple pill cleared it right up. But what Adam and I couldn't figure out, was how Mady got the worm out of the toilet to show him... I cringe thinking about her actually sticking her hand in the toilet bowl to get it out.

School is going pretty... well as good as can be expected. I realize that I'm a much better college student, than I ever was in high school though. My ADD and my other many learning disabilities have been giving me some trouble lately but I still refuse to go on any sort of medication. Does that make me sound crazy? I was on a couple of medications back in middle school but I hated the way they made me feel and as stupid as it may seem, I felt like I was only making good grades because of the pills. They're supposed to make you concentrate better, but they never did for me. So I guess I'll work through it and try and push on.

My hair is STILL falling out, and I'm almost 100% positive that it's because of the depo birth control shot I've been on for the past 7 months. I go back to get my next shot on November 3rd and I'm definitely going to speak to my doctor about this. I've lost over 1/3 of my hair and every time I run my hand through my hair, and especially when I take showers, I pull out huge clumps of hair. I've spent many hours crying over this... I know lots of people have hair loss, but every strand that falls out, reminds me of a couple of years ago when I was battling breast cancer and I lost all my hair. Just a horrible memory with every piece that comes out so something needs to be done SOON.

Tennessee weather needs to make up its mind so I can either put up my summer clothing or my fall clothing. One day it's 78 degrees, and the next it's barely hitting 50. No wonder I keep getting headaches! All the pressure changes in the atmosphere is about to make me go crazy.... ya... to late for that (;

So I'll end my blog with a question for you all: Although Halloween falls on a Monday this year, some people are going to trick-or-treat on Saturday, but most REFUSE to go on Sunday because it's well... a church going day. I personally find this ridiculous, but that's just me. So how do you all feel about celebrating Halloween festivities on a Sunday?

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Pity Party time!

I'm throwing myself a pity party tonight! WOOHOO!!! Nothin' like Sweet Home Alabama, The Notebook, Message In A Bottle, and Pirates of the Caribbean (I've got a jar of dirt... I've got a jar of dirt!). I've got my movies going and for my dinner I have some chocolate cheesecake, cheddar cheese popcorn, slim jims, and sugar cookies! If it weren't for my super amazingly fast metabolism, i'd be the size of an 18-wheeler.

Hm so why the pity party? Because Adam is being a royal pain in the ass and I am beyond stressed from work and school and I just need a night to let loose and relax! Psh who needs alochol when I've got cheesecake! Ok... maybe a beer or two wouldn't hurt (;

Adam's life has recently gotten really stressful again, so I know exactly what that means: He will become distant and my guess is he'll probably run... again. But ya know what? I'm not gonna worry about it. I have way to much to stress over. I'll give him his space and I'll be patient with him and then hopefully things will continue to work out.

My birthday pretty much sucked. It was horrible. I cleaned the house then ate left-over pasta. However, the next day was my mothers birthday and so we went out and celebrated both of our days together. I always felt that having my moms and my birthday just a day apart made us a lot closer. We have always celebrated together which makes for some pretty interesting parties.

Oh! Some exciting news! I was asked the other day if I would be willing to speak on November 6th about my experience of being adopted. Ok... I'm sure you're like "big whoop! Who gives a flying fig?!" Well to me, it's extremely amazing. For years now, I've been speaking out, working on a book, and a website all about adoption and helping those who are adopted, adopted a child, and/or put a child up for adoption deal with the daily struggles. I guess you could say that it's been sort of a mission for me. I've never done anything local, so when this lady called me and asked me to speak at a local church I couldn't have been happier! Apparently it's supposed to be this huge event and hundreds of people are going to be there. I'll be one of 3 different speakers. One of the speakers is a woman who put her son up for adoption, the second being the mother and father of adopted twins, and then me the adopted child.

It's so hard to believe that there is just one more day of September left. I can't help but think that this year has gone by so fast! As much as I hate to wish time away, I wont really be crying a river when the year actually ends. I just pray to God that next year wont be as eventful as this year has been lol.

I've noticed today, that I am EXTREMELY sore from my surgery. I've been doing ok lately, but today my neck has really been bothering me. I'm a little worried about it so I think I may go to the doctor tomorrow just to have them check it out. I'd rather be safe than sorry.

I had some more issues with my dumb ass neighbors today and finally, when they were both together, I said to them both "Look y'all, we're neighbors. We don't have to like each other but we do have to live next to each other. I'll stay out of your way if you stay out of mine. I am beyond tired of being targeted from both of y'all and frankly? It's getting old." I just walked away after that. I'm not going to deal with their crap anymore. I have better things to stress over lol.

I'm debating on rather or not I want to go back to MilSpouse or not... I've been away from the site for a couple of months now, and I really miss having everyone there to talk too. But at the same time, I feel like I don't belong because of all the issues going on with me and Adam.... It's just a website I know, but I'd rather not be some place where I'm not wanted. So I'm not exactly sure what I'll do.

Well I reckon I'm gonna continue to pig out and watch my movies. I hope everyone has a wonderful night and enjoy the last day of September tomorrow!

Sunday, September 25, 2011

My shit list got bigger.

I'm beyond pissed. So mad that I can't even stand it. I NEVER ask for anything, not a thing but the one time I did ask for something, I get screwed over. The ONLY thing I wanted for my birthday today was to see Adam... but guess what? HE FORGOT MY BIRTHDAY! Good lord he's known me for years now. How hard is it to remember September 25th? So I guess now I'll just clean the house and watch a little tv. Not much to do around here today. Maybe I'll be really crazy and wash my car. Can you say party animal? Now I do realize that I am blessed to have lived another year and I have a great family and yada yada yada but what woman doesn't want to spend the one day out of the year that's supposed to be HER day, with her man? Maybe i'm over reacting but I don't care. Adam is currently on my shit list at the moment.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Thyroids and tiramisu

Ugh. I am in so much pain right now that it's not even funny... although not sure how any pain could be funny? 5 days ago I had to go through with my Thyroidectomy. Up until the day of surgery, I blocked out that I was even having it done. I knew that if I thought about it, chances were that I wouldn't have even shown up. I'm such a wimp, I know. Luckily they only did a partial Thyroidectomy, so I still have some of my thyroid. The day before surgery SUCKED! Because I was being put to sleep, I wasn't allowed to eat or drink anything. I'm normally a pig and eat everything in sight, so this was a very hard task for me. The surgery lasted about 45 minutes and the very moment I woke up, I was hurting so much. My surgeon cut about a 4 inch incision at the base of my neck, tied off the blood supply to my gland, then the surgeon separated the trachea from the thyroid, and removed part of the thyroid gland. Sounds like fun eh? Ya a real blast. 2 days later I was able to go home. My doctor said it will take about 1-2 weeks before I feel completely back to normal, and for now I'm just supposed to take it easy. I actually have an excuse to be lazy now!

My birth mother came by a few hours ago to drop off some food and surprise me with a little birthday present. Tomorrow I'm just gonna sleep all day, and then Sunday when Adam gets back from his moms, he's gonna come see me (seeing him was the only thing I wanted for my birthday, so I'm really happy).

Let me just say, I HATE my neighbor. She banged on my door right before I sat down to blog and told me to do a better job at keeping my lawn mowed. Really?! I wanted to strangle her. Ya ok lady, I'd like to see you mow your lawn after surgery and when you can't, I'll come bang on your door and get on your case you old slut. Gah! I've been having nothing but trouble with that lady. I have to laugh though... this lady is probably in her late 50's to early 60's and isn't married, YET she constantly brags about the 4 different boyfriends she has... ya ok like that's really something to brag about. She isn't even the slightest bit attractive. Adam and I figure she has that many men because she just puts out. YUCK! I'd rather go through surgery again then have that horrid mental picture in my head. It's not just that neighbor that I can't stand. A bit ago, I walked out to get my mail and figured I'd be nice and bring my other neighbor her mail since she is in her 80's and has a hard time getting around. What happens then? She bitches at me! She said I needed to stop snooping around in her mail. Riiiight like I'm sure some 80 year old has some deep personal letter in there... not to mention that I don't even like reading my own mail, so why would I read some one elses? So not going to be nice to that old bat anymore.

Monday my family and I are going to drive up to Knoxville to eat at our favorite Italian restaurant: Altruda's. Not sure how I'll be feeling Monday, but no matter the pain, you can't keep me from going to Altruda's. If you haven't been, it's this AMAZING place that has the best Italian food you'll ever eat. It's been owned by this man Paul for over 30 years and he knows a majority of his customers by name. It's quiet comfortable, great food, great service, and has wonderful tiramisu... my mouth is watering just thinking about it!

I'm getting really tired right now, so I'm thinking it's time for a nap. I hate being lazy and tired, but I guess that's what surgery will do to ya.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Vols & lingerie

I am so worn out and I really have no idea why. Last night, I was in a horrible mood for some reason. Around 8:30, Adam asked if I'd like to go stay with him and the girls for the night and I agreed. When I got there I was still grumpy which was pretty unfortunate. After a loooong back rub later though, I was doing much better (: Madelyn and Kalie had a friend over, which allowed Adam and I to spend time together without the 2 rugrats constantly bugging us (oh the joys of parenthood).

It feels wonderful to finally be at a spot with him where I'm not constantly stressing. Things are still difficult and I'm sure it'll be several more months (if not longer) before our lives together gets to where it needs to be, but all that matters right now is that we're working on things. This morning I had such a hard time leaving his house. I needed to leave by 9 to get home, but ended up not leaving until 11:30. I hate saying goodbye to him. You'd think that after going through deployments with him, that it wouldn't be a problem but it is. Any time apart is always difficult.

When I got home I did a lot of much needed cleaning, then watching the UT Vols vs. Florida Gators game. Figures that Florida would win, but I'm still proud of my Vols (:

Tomorrow or Monday I plan to go birthday shopping for my mother since her birthday is quickly approaching. I already bought her a UT Vols shirt and I plan on getting her some of the really expensive, but amazing shampoo and conditioner that I use since she constantly complains about her hair. Maybe this'll shut her up lol.

I'm really bummed that next Sunday (my birthday) Adam will be at his mothers... which means I wont get to spend my birthday with him. That's the only thing I wanted too... was to see him that day. I know he couldn't help that his mom needed him that day, but it still sucks.

I think when I go shopping for my mom, I'm going to stop by Victoria's Secret. Adam has always wanted me to buy some lingerie and I just never have. Even though I am a really slim woman, I've always been pretty self conscious of my body, mostly due to my 32A flat chest. But I figured that I'd stop by VS and try and find something and surprise him with it for the next time I see him. He'll be SHOCKED which is good (:

Yesterday morning, I had a major falling out with my next door neighbor... I wont go into full details but if ya'll don't see me on here for a while, it'll probably be because I'm in jail for doing something veeeery bad to her (as if... I can't even harm a fly). But the woman is NUTS! I'm not gonna get into it though, it's already caused me to much stress and I don't want to think about it right now.

I'm definitely rambling on and on about basically useless stuff but it kind of feels good to just vent.

I think i'm going to be super lame and go to bed early. It's not even 9 yet and I can barely keep my eyes open.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Peace, Love, Crabs

Ekk! I'm terrible! It's been ages since I've updated, much less been on here at all *Slaps hand* I promise, I'll try and do better. Since it's been almost an entire month since I've last posted, A LOT has gone on.... which means I'm in for a hand cramp with typing all the updates. Where oh where to start? From the beginning I reckon.

1) I'm back in school again (what the hell is wrong with me?!). For years now, I've wanted to work for an adoption agency and I finally decided that it was time to start working towards that dream. I'm now enrolled at East Tennessee State University with a major in Social Work. I'm hoping in 2 years, my dream will happen. I have classes Mondays-Thursdays in the mornings. My latest class ends at 3:30 which is great, because it allows me to still work and get done everything that needs to get done at home. I'm so excited about being back in school, but at the same time I keep thinking why the hell am I doing this? It's so much added stress in my life, but hopefully after I graduate, it'll be worth it -crosses fingers.-

2) I found out 2 days ago that I have hyperthyroidism. For several months now, I have lost A LOT of hair and even if I sleep 8 hours at night, I wake up extremely worn out. I knew something was wrong with my body so I finally went to get it checked out. They explained that my case was so bad that the best thing to do is to remove part of my thyroid. So on September 29th, I go in for surgery. I'm dreading it. I HATEHATEHATE hospitals. I'm such a big baby when it comes to needles, so knowing that they are going to cut me open just scares the living hell out of me. I pray that after the surgery though, I'll feel better. The doctor explained that after the surgery, my body will change. It'll be easy for me to put on weight, my activity level wont be as high, and my sex drive wont be as high either... I had to laugh at the sex drive part though. Apparently my doctor doesn't know Adam because anytime we're around each other, some sort of sexual activity ALWAYS happens. I'm not expecting a removed thyroid to change that lol... sorry Doc.

3) My birthday is approaching (the 25th) and I am totally feeling my age (which I wont say lol). I know I'm still young, 10 1/2 years younger than Adam actually, but with everything that's gone on lately, I feel about 60. I was hoping to spend my birthday with Adam, but he will be with his mom that day so instead, my mom is taking me to Nashville. She said that we're going to do the same thing we did for my 10th birthday when we were in Nashville: Go to Joe's Crab Shack and go on a horse and buggy right. I feel like such a little kid because when she told me this, I got way excited. It's funny how the little things in life make you the happiest.

4) Adam and I are doing so well. We've been talking a lot and I see him 1-2 times a week. I've realized that we rushed into our marriage and that really hurt us. Now we're taking things slow and I'm actually happy. We discussed the other day that a divorce is completely out of the question. I am so thankful for this. I spent last night with him and the girls and I have to say, it was probably one of the better nights that we've had together in so long. I don't want to talk to much about this because I don't want jinx anything, so I'll stop at that.

Life is good. I'm happy again. I've realized that I worry way to much about things that I have no control over and about things that I really don't even need to worry about. I'm trying to really work on that. My life is so much easier when I just stop worrying.

I hope everyone is doing well!

Peace, Love, & Crabs (;

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

So long Mr. Kitty

I stayed with Adam last night and it felt so good to be there. Madelyn and Kalie weren't being very good so Adam had to bring out his belt a couple of times. Now we aren't the kind of parents that hit our children a lot, but we also do believe in spanking when needed... and trust me... last night it was definitely needed. It took FOREVER to get the girls to bed. Because school for them has already started, we like to get them into bed by 9:30 at the latest but they ended up not getting into bed until 11. After they went to sleep, Adam and I got to spend alone time together. He was being so sweet last night. He kept telling me how beautiful I looked and how much he loved me... it was great to hear, especially with all that's going on with us.

This morning I had to get up and leave by 9:30 so I could get home and get ready to go to the Humane Society to help out for their big adoption clinic. Adam was still sleeping so I gently nudged him and told him I had to go. I couldn't tell at the time if he heard me or not, but since I didn't want to keep bothering him, I got out of bed and got dressed. When I went to give him a kiss, he asked where I was going... lol after that, I ended up staying for an extra hour. :P

I really feel like we are making progress though. I know I don't need to get my hopes up in case something does happen again, but it's nice seeing him act the way he is.

Anyways, yesterday morning a little kitten came to my door. He was absolutely GORGEOUS and so sweet! I knew I couldn't keep him because I already have several cats but gah... I wanted to so badly! During the middle of the day though, a family came looking for a kitten that was their daughters kitten. She was so sad that her kitty had escaped and the look on her face when I gave her the cat was PRICELESS! I ended up getting attached though during the several hours he was here :/ But i'm glad he's back where he belongs.

I hope everyone had a great Tuesday though! And enjoy your Wednesday! (:

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Holding it together...

My vacation went well. It was great to just relax and be lazy for a week. Adam and I spoke a couple of times while I was gone, and he truly seemed like he missed me, which was nice to hear. After the first 4 days though, I was ready to be home... but I stuck it out and enjoyed the rest of my stay in Isle of Palms. When I got home, I went to see Adam that very day. Seeing him felt great. We spent a wonderful night together and leaving him the next morning was extremely difficult.

I can see Adam trying to make this work, but at the same time I'm terrified that he is going to run again. I pray to God that we work out... Going through this has been the hardest thing... I would rather deal with deployments than this.

I did something a little silly though... I took one of Adam's shirts the other day and i've been sleeping with it. I find comfort in wearing something to bed that reminds me of him and that smells like him. I've gotten better sleep wearing that shirt than I did the entire week I was on vacation... Here's a tip ladies: Wanna sleep good? Where your hubbys cloths ;)

Madelyn and Kalie went back to school today :( my babies are getting to big! It killed me that I didn't get to go with Adam to take them... even though I'm just their step-mother, I love those girls more than anything in the world.

Today is a pretty lazy day. I'm just cleaning the house and then eventually going to lunch with my mother. At some point I've got to run by CVS and pick up the day-after pill (oops) and call the Health Department and schedule an appointment to get another depo shot (oh hell no).

I hope everyone is doing well!!!! (:

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Hello from Isle of Palms

ahh finally here! (: I ended up leaving my house around 11 and got stuck in multiple backups so I arrived a lot later then I expected, but I'm here and that's all that matters! My condo that I'm renting for a week is pretty night and comfortable and thankfully right across the street from the beach.

Once I got settled in, I headed to the beach and for a long walk. It was absolutely beautiful out, especially the sunset. I got some amazing pictures too.

Honestly though? I really miss Adam. I know the purpose of this trip was to get my mind off everything but I think that's impossible to do.

I'm absolutely worn out though. I just got back from the Piggy Wiggly (got a cute t-shirt too!) and made myself some shrimp, rice, and a salad which was really good. So now that I have a full belly, I'm gonna take a long hot shower then head to bed. I think in the morning I'm gonna go for a run on the beach then spend the rest of the day relaxing.

I'm supposed to stay till next Saturday but I'm starting to wonder if I'll cut my trip short. I really don't know yet.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Ready for my margarita!

I can't wait to be heading out to the beach tomorrow. I'm packing my bags then heading out the door around 10am. I'm supposed to check in to the condo I'm staying at around 4 so that'll give me plenty of time to stop to eat as well as leave some time in case of an emergency (just in case people, I'm not planning to do anything stupid lol). I am beyond ready to be laying on the beach soaking up the sun with a very LARGE margarita in my hand.

Adam texted me on Wednesday night asking me to spend the night. I was pretty hesitant at first but I finally agreed. When I arrived at the little trailer he is renting, Madelyn and Kalie came running up to me giving me big hugs... tears came to my eyes. I love those girls so much, and just because they aren't blood doesn't mean I don't love them like they are. But what really broke my heart was when Madelyn said, "What are you doing here? Daddy said you broke up." Wow... what a blow to my heart... I was unsure of what to say so I turned to Adam and just looked at him. He responded to Madelyn by saying, "Sweetie we're just going through a rough time, but we're still together." It always amazes me at how in tune children are with what's going on around them.

Around 10, we got the girls into bed and then Adam and I had the house to ourselves. Despite how unsure I am about us, despite how broken he has made me, despite how much hurt he's caused me, it still felt absolutely amazing to be back in his arms. When we were heading to sleep, he got up and lighted some candles and then made what was probably the most passionate love I've ever had. In the morning, I woke up to him gently rubbing the side of my face... it's amazing after all this time, the man still gives me the biggest butterflies in my stomach. We layed in bed till around 10 that morning then frantically got up when we realized that Madelyn had  clogged the toilet and flooded the bathroom. I knew I had to get home to get to work so I figured that was the perfect time to leave... I let Adam clean up the bathroom himself ;) He told me he loved me and to have fun but to be safe at the beach, and then I left. Why is leaving him so difficult?

Today is going to be pretty hectic. I've got to go to Wal-Mart, the bank, the vet, CVS, Com Cast, and the grocery store.

So this is my life right now. Everyday is a challenge for me, but I'm trying to hang in there and hold it together the best I can.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Only the silence remains

It's been a while since i've updated this... to be honest I've been kind of avoiding it. It's like when I have my emotions and what i'm feeling right in front of me in words it makes it that much more real.

Adam and the girls aren't living with me anymore. It's been a terrible month and I am so empty inside. I learned from Adam's mother that he is a runner though... he gets scared when his life gets to comfortable because he feels like something will happen and change it so he runs before it'll happen... which is what happened with us I believe. Adam and I had a talk the other night though... I told him he could run all he wanted too, he could try and delete me from his life, but in the end I'm still going to be here. Despite how hard it'll be, I'm going to fight for what I want and what I want is Adam. We are going to slowly work on this and hopefully in the end, things will work out.

Because of this stressfulness of this month, it's caused me to be distant which resulted in me loosing my job... (bad move on my part). Luckily, I found another job really quickly at the real estate office my mother works at.

I've decided that I need some "me-time" though. I need to get away from Tennessee. So on Saturday, I'm packing my bags and heading to Isle of Palms for 6 days by myself. I am beyond excited.

I hope everyone is doing well. Hopefully I'll have better news and more to talk about next time I write.


Friday, July 15, 2011

For better and for worse

My last blog seemed really depressing... and it was. The news came as a complete shock to me and the pain that I've been going through over this past week has been unbearable. I truly don't think that I've ever cried so much in my life. Finally, Adam texted me yesterday for the first time in days saying that he missed me. I was shocked. We ended up seeing each other and talking. Now you have to understand that he has gotten hurt so many times in his past and now he's to the point where he's scared of love (least it seems that way). Anyways, during our talk he explained that running from me and ending our marriage would be the easy way out for him but he said, "the past week without you, they've just been empty days."

We talked for a good 3 hours and I told him that I loved him more than life itself and would do anything to make this marriage work. He said that he just needed a little bit of time and space and that he needed me to be patient with him. He said that he is trying so hard not to run and I pray to God that in the end, he doesn't.

I kind of have mixed emotions about our talk. I feel not nearly as broken as I did before because I know he is still going to try but at the same time, I know that the idea of running is still in his head. He's been through so much and I'm just terrified that he'll feel like he can't do this anymore. So I ask you all to please pray for my marriage.

I wish I had more to update and talk about, but literally my entire week has been nothing much an emotional rollarcoaster.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

It's really over...

Well I guess this is it. I am completely broken inside. Adam and I are over. He told me last night that he feels he can't give me the I deserve and need. I was in shock. I've bee crying non-stop since last night, I can't eat or sleep, and I keep making myself sick. I've never felt so hurt in my entire life and my heart is in so many pieces. He leaves and part of me that I will never get back, goes with him. I'm so unsure of everythig right now...

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Darnit, I forgot to kiss the frog

My last 2 days have been pretty eventful to say the least. First of all, Makenna and I had probably one of the biggest fights we've ever had. Honestly? I don't see our relationship as siblings healing now. I won't go into details over what happened but I'm almost certain that we will never have any sort of relationship again. My mom has always felt like she has failed in some way with my sister and I because we have NEVER gotten along, even has young children. It kills me every time my mother says that because she has been the greatest mother (and best friend) anyone could ever ask for... she didn't fail us, my sister just has some sort of chemical imbalance ;)

Anyways, yesterday morning I heard a LOUD scream coming from the office. When I rushed in to see what was wrong, there was Kalie by the window pointing at a little frog who had gotten stuck in between the screen and the window. She was terrified that it was going to die, so Super Step-Mom came to the rescue and I saved it :)

Oh!!! I also found out yesterday that I got the job I was called in for an interview for!!! I am now a worker at the school board! Ahhh So excited!!! I can't wait till Adam comes home so I can tell him! :)

Today was pretty fun. My mom and dad watched Kalie and Madelyn while my friend Tiffany and I went out to get pampered :) I haven't had a girls day out in ages so it was WONDERFUL! Massages, pedicures, shopping, and dinner :) ahhh what more could a girl want... well other then having her husband home :( I ended up buying 5 super cute (and a little sexy if I do say so myself) pairs of lace underwear today, which is definitely not something I normally wear... I was thinking of Adam a lot today though and I think that's what brought me to buy them, I wanted to give him a little surprise for when he got home. I think he'll definitely be pleasantly surprised.

When I got home, I found my parents watching TV and the girls already in bed. Apparently my mom and dad had really tired them out today. I was kind of sad to be honest though, I wished I could've hugged and kissed them goodnight, but that's OK. I know they enjoyed their day which is all that matters.

Tomorrow I have my first day of work at the School Board and I'm super excited, as well as a little nervous. My  parents said they'd watch the girls again, but I feel really bad for having them do that especially when they're sort of on a mini vacation. I think after tomorrow, I will take the girls to the Boys & Girls Club so my parents can go out and enjoy themselves.

After a wonderful day of being pampered, I think it's time to head to bed early. Kisses to you all! Have a wonderful night :)

Monday, July 4, 2011

Happy Independence Day!

Happy Independence Day to all the Veterans who have served, all the men and women who are currently serving, to all the military spouses, families, friends, to everyone! I hope everyone has a wonderful but safe holiday and don't forget the reason that we celebrate!

Last night, Adam had to leave for work for a month. We have yet to spend a 4th of July together. Despite the fact that we have dealt with year long deployments, it's still difficult being apart no matter the length of time. This will be the longest period of time in which the Kalie and Madelyn are under my watch, and I'm kind of curious to see how they do without their father being home. Hopefully there won't be any problems.

So this morning I was faced with a rather difficult situation. My sister approached me and asked me why I was so sad and when I explained that Adam had to leave for work, she said, "people leave all the time for business trips. How is this any different? I see so many military families get all worked up when their loved one leaves for deployment or whatever. It's not that difficult to deal with. Suck it up." Now don't get me wrong, I'm a pretty mellow person and I hardly am ever rude but this set me off and I ended up telling her to get out of my house. I told her that she didn't have to leave the town, but she wasn't allowed to stay with me anymore. I'm sure she was shocked that her little sister had the nerve to stand up for herself but I wasn't about to take what she said.

Anyways, I just picked up the girls from their friends house and right now they're cleaning their room. My mom and dad are coming in for a visit this evening and staying for a couple of nights which will be nice. I spent all morning cleaning and when the girls are done I think i'll take them to lunch a DQ, run a few arrends, and maybe go get a couple of sparklers and fireworks for tonight :)

I'll leave you all with my favorite military quote and my favorite military spouse video. Have a wonderful and safe 4th ya'll!:

"Next deployment always comes to soon, so love like he deploys tomorrow."

Sunday, July 3, 2011

No Golden Girls, thank YOU for being a friend!

Hmm so I was rather shocked at how my day ended up yesterday. I completely forgot about my friend Jennifer's wedding until 30 minutes before it began but I ended up making it there on time and still managed to look pretty cute ;) Her wedding was GORGEOUS! The dress looked stunning on her, the ceremony was beautiful, and the reception was a blast. Not to mention I ended up sitting with the owners of the barn that I've been riding at since I was 4 years old... but how we didn't get kicked out I truly don't know. David and Becky have always been like second parents to me but they rarely ever leave the barn but when they do, their wild side comes out lol. We were definitely the loudest table at the reception and after a couple of glasses of wine, we started one hell of a conga line! haha It was a blast and definitely something I needed.

During the wedding, I actually got a text from Adam which I wasn't expecting. He told me that his plans ended up changing and he and the girls were back home. He then asked me if I wanted to go to dinner and then go watch fireworks. I said sure but was planning on staying at the reception till it was over... why should I rush to get back to him when he has been a... what's the word I'm looking for? A big mean butt head? Ya... that'll work. So I got back to the house around 7 but told Adam and the girls to go eat without me (after 4 trips to the buffet at a wedding, food definitely wasn't on my mind... although chocolate cheese cake did sound pretty good...). They ended up ordering pizza. One of Kalie's friends came to the door while they were eating and asked if she and Madelyn wanted to go watch fireworks with her and her family... so we let them. Adam and I ended up talking after they left and worked things out... afterward we ended up having probably some of the best sex I've ever had with him (to much information I know lol).

As for today, the girls are staying with a friend, Adam is out doing yard work, and I'm on the computer filling out job applications (although getting very distracted by the Golden Girls at the moment). Very laid back day which is great and then later I think I'll try and convince Adam to grill some ribs up. Maybe even go to the Moose Lodge here in a bit and go swimming. Might as well take advantage of this gorgeous day :)

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Life is to short to be anything but happy.

Last night I came to a conclusion... I was definitely over reacting. I think I was just upset (and a bit sad) that even though my husband in home in the States, I'm not getting to see or talk to him. I just miss him. He plays such a huge role in my life. But like I said, I over reacted. I know he has a busy schedule and I know he has a lot going on in his life... sooner or later this hectic life that we live will eventually calm down.

Oh! I forgot to mention yesterday that my sister is in town and is staying with me for a couple of weeks. Most people would be very excited about seeing their sibling that they haven't seen in 6 months but I was actually dreading her visit. Our personalities have always just seemed to clash... so these next few weeks should be interesting to say the least.

My day today is looking pretty bleh, to say the least. I woke up around 8:30 to the sound of my sister in the kitchen making all sorts of noises. I came out of my bedroom to find my kitchen a complete mess! Lord knows what all she cooked... I just settled for a bowl of Honey Comb (did you know they're gonna stop making that? Apparently POST went out of business... so sad). After breakfast, my sister rushed out the door to go do who knows what, while leaving her huge mess for me to clean up. I feel like I'm taking care of a 2 year old when she's here. Even Kalie and Madelyn know how to clean up after themselves... maybe they should give Makenna some lessons on that.. Then I walked out to the back room where we keep Annie and Polo and they had destroyed their area and pooped and peed EVERYWHERE... I wasn't happy. Anyways, I'll be on the job search for the day. Then after that, I'll probably just come home and clean and curl up with some popcorn and a good movie.

Despite waking up to a messy house, 2 dogs who are just may be turned into hot-dogs, and an older sister who acts like a 3 year old, I'm actually in a pretty good mood this morning. I've decided that life is way to short to be anything but happy. There will always be things in life that bother us and makes us sad but if we dwell on those things, then we're gonna spend our whole life being miserable.

Friday, July 1, 2011

No Firework 4th

Yep, this will be my 2nd blog entry for the day and yes I do realize I don't have any followers at the moment but do I care? Nope not really. Just need to vent a little...

I love Adam, don't get me wrong but the fact that he can easily go days without talking to me when he has the opportunity to bothers me. We had plans to go to Freedom Hall tomorrow with Madelyn and Kalie to watch the Firework show but when he texted me earlier, he told me he was taking the girls to his moms tonight. Ya, he's literally coming home, getting the girls, then driving to his moms. Was I asked to come along? Nope. So I'm staying home. Oh! And the best part? I got fired from my job this morning. Why you may ask? Well because on Tuesday I had to call in from work because my best friend was in the hospital because she tried to kill herself. Then on Wednesday I got off from work so I could take the girls to the water park. And finally, I asked off work for today-Sunday because I thought Adam and I would get to spend the 4th of July weekend together. WRONG. Now I hardly ever ask off from work but this week has just been crazy. But my boss told me that he needed a more dedicated worker so he fired me. Now I feel like I asked off work for nothing because how am I going to spend my weekend? Sitting at home alone. Why don't I go out with some friends? Because they all already have plans. I'm seriously pissed.

Next week, Adam will be away with work so I wont get to see or talk to him. Then the following week, I'm going to the beach with my side of the family. So there's 2 weeks I wont see or talk to my husband. Now I've dealt with deployments before and I've gone an entire month without speaking to him but he is at home in the States now where he has the opportunity to talk with me. I just feel almost abanded. I'm not a needy person and I do like my space but good God, this is getting crazy.

Ok sorry, I just had to vent for a minute...

First blog

Hmm well I gave in... I decided finally start my blog. It's something that I've been wanting to do for a while... just never got around to it. But since my life is just so full of excitement (ha!) I figured that I would actually sit down and take the time to create one.

So when I signed up for my blog, they asked me what I would like to title my blog and it was a no-brainer. I remember the first time my family and my husbands family got together... my now MIL said, "Ya'll are such an unlikely match! Taylor is this good ole country cowgirl and Adam is this city loving sailor in the Navy," soo.... Cowgirl & The Sailor it is. I guess it is a pretty random match if you think about it. We come from completely different lifestyles. He loves the city and isn't big on the outdoors, well I mean he is but getting him to actually go tent-camping with me would be impossible. Me on the other hand, I grew up in a small country town where I spent the majority of my time either on my parents cattle farm or at the barn riding horses. But somehow, we just work.

Anyways, I've decided that I really need to expand my diet. Seems that all I've been eating lately is hummus and flat-bread... what can I say though? I'm addicted. My husband left for a couple of days ago yesterday and the minute he left, I went to Wal-Mart and bought a big ole bag of white bread... Even though my metabolism is super fast, I realize that I've been eating really unhealthy lately. I really need to do better though. Start eating healthier and working out more.

I have to go back to the Health Department on the 11th to get another Depo shot. I think I'm going to talk to them about a new form of birth control though. I've been on the Depo Shot since April, and I HATEHATEHATE it!!! It's been giving me TERRIBLE mood swings, I've bee bleeding non-stop for 2 months now, and it's even making my hair fall out. I really can't take it anymore. Adam thinks I should ask for an IUD but I read some of the side-effects that it can cause and it scared me a little. Either way though, I've got to do something else. This shot is not gonna work for me.

My day today is pretty boring unfortunately... I woke up around 8ish, got the girls up and fed them breakfast, and then got on the computer. Right now the girls are in their room watching TV and doing who knows what. I think later today I'll make a run by Wal-Mart to get a couple of things then maybe hit the DQ drive-thru for dinner. Nothing to exciting. Probably do some cleaning before then.

I've been looking at a couple of houses to rent in this area near ETSU just because I can't stand where we live. When I first met Adam, he was living in a little trailer with Madelyn and Kalie about 3 miles away from East Tennessee State U. once we got married, I moved in. Now for 3 people it works, but now that I'm here it just seems so crowded. Most of my cloths are in rubber-made containers under our bed.... ya we need a bigger place. There is only 1 bathroom (which is super super small) and with 3 girls now living in a house together, disaster is bound to happen. I love Adam and the girls, and I realize money is a bit tight right now, but I do think looking into a bigger place to rent is a good idea.

Hmm I guess that's it for now. Kinda went on and on and on for my first blog, but that's OK.