Saturday, July 30, 2011

Hello from Isle of Palms

ahh finally here! (: I ended up leaving my house around 11 and got stuck in multiple backups so I arrived a lot later then I expected, but I'm here and that's all that matters! My condo that I'm renting for a week is pretty night and comfortable and thankfully right across the street from the beach.

Once I got settled in, I headed to the beach and for a long walk. It was absolutely beautiful out, especially the sunset. I got some amazing pictures too.

Honestly though? I really miss Adam. I know the purpose of this trip was to get my mind off everything but I think that's impossible to do.

I'm absolutely worn out though. I just got back from the Piggy Wiggly (got a cute t-shirt too!) and made myself some shrimp, rice, and a salad which was really good. So now that I have a full belly, I'm gonna take a long hot shower then head to bed. I think in the morning I'm gonna go for a run on the beach then spend the rest of the day relaxing.

I'm supposed to stay till next Saturday but I'm starting to wonder if I'll cut my trip short. I really don't know yet.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Ready for my margarita!

I can't wait to be heading out to the beach tomorrow. I'm packing my bags then heading out the door around 10am. I'm supposed to check in to the condo I'm staying at around 4 so that'll give me plenty of time to stop to eat as well as leave some time in case of an emergency (just in case people, I'm not planning to do anything stupid lol). I am beyond ready to be laying on the beach soaking up the sun with a very LARGE margarita in my hand.

Adam texted me on Wednesday night asking me to spend the night. I was pretty hesitant at first but I finally agreed. When I arrived at the little trailer he is renting, Madelyn and Kalie came running up to me giving me big hugs... tears came to my eyes. I love those girls so much, and just because they aren't blood doesn't mean I don't love them like they are. But what really broke my heart was when Madelyn said, "What are you doing here? Daddy said you broke up." Wow... what a blow to my heart... I was unsure of what to say so I turned to Adam and just looked at him. He responded to Madelyn by saying, "Sweetie we're just going through a rough time, but we're still together." It always amazes me at how in tune children are with what's going on around them.

Around 10, we got the girls into bed and then Adam and I had the house to ourselves. Despite how unsure I am about us, despite how broken he has made me, despite how much hurt he's caused me, it still felt absolutely amazing to be back in his arms. When we were heading to sleep, he got up and lighted some candles and then made what was probably the most passionate love I've ever had. In the morning, I woke up to him gently rubbing the side of my face... it's amazing after all this time, the man still gives me the biggest butterflies in my stomach. We layed in bed till around 10 that morning then frantically got up when we realized that Madelyn had  clogged the toilet and flooded the bathroom. I knew I had to get home to get to work so I figured that was the perfect time to leave... I let Adam clean up the bathroom himself ;) He told me he loved me and to have fun but to be safe at the beach, and then I left. Why is leaving him so difficult?

Today is going to be pretty hectic. I've got to go to Wal-Mart, the bank, the vet, CVS, Com Cast, and the grocery store.

So this is my life right now. Everyday is a challenge for me, but I'm trying to hang in there and hold it together the best I can.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Only the silence remains

It's been a while since i've updated this... to be honest I've been kind of avoiding it. It's like when I have my emotions and what i'm feeling right in front of me in words it makes it that much more real.

Adam and the girls aren't living with me anymore. It's been a terrible month and I am so empty inside. I learned from Adam's mother that he is a runner though... he gets scared when his life gets to comfortable because he feels like something will happen and change it so he runs before it'll happen... which is what happened with us I believe. Adam and I had a talk the other night though... I told him he could run all he wanted too, he could try and delete me from his life, but in the end I'm still going to be here. Despite how hard it'll be, I'm going to fight for what I want and what I want is Adam. We are going to slowly work on this and hopefully in the end, things will work out.

Because of this stressfulness of this month, it's caused me to be distant which resulted in me loosing my job... (bad move on my part). Luckily, I found another job really quickly at the real estate office my mother works at.

I've decided that I need some "me-time" though. I need to get away from Tennessee. So on Saturday, I'm packing my bags and heading to Isle of Palms for 6 days by myself. I am beyond excited.

I hope everyone is doing well. Hopefully I'll have better news and more to talk about next time I write.


Friday, July 15, 2011

For better and for worse

My last blog seemed really depressing... and it was. The news came as a complete shock to me and the pain that I've been going through over this past week has been unbearable. I truly don't think that I've ever cried so much in my life. Finally, Adam texted me yesterday for the first time in days saying that he missed me. I was shocked. We ended up seeing each other and talking. Now you have to understand that he has gotten hurt so many times in his past and now he's to the point where he's scared of love (least it seems that way). Anyways, during our talk he explained that running from me and ending our marriage would be the easy way out for him but he said, "the past week without you, they've just been empty days."

We talked for a good 3 hours and I told him that I loved him more than life itself and would do anything to make this marriage work. He said that he just needed a little bit of time and space and that he needed me to be patient with him. He said that he is trying so hard not to run and I pray to God that in the end, he doesn't.

I kind of have mixed emotions about our talk. I feel not nearly as broken as I did before because I know he is still going to try but at the same time, I know that the idea of running is still in his head. He's been through so much and I'm just terrified that he'll feel like he can't do this anymore. So I ask you all to please pray for my marriage.

I wish I had more to update and talk about, but literally my entire week has been nothing much an emotional rollarcoaster.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

It's really over...

Well I guess this is it. I am completely broken inside. Adam and I are over. He told me last night that he feels he can't give me the I deserve and need. I was in shock. I've bee crying non-stop since last night, I can't eat or sleep, and I keep making myself sick. I've never felt so hurt in my entire life and my heart is in so many pieces. He leaves and part of me that I will never get back, goes with him. I'm so unsure of everythig right now...

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Darnit, I forgot to kiss the frog

My last 2 days have been pretty eventful to say the least. First of all, Makenna and I had probably one of the biggest fights we've ever had. Honestly? I don't see our relationship as siblings healing now. I won't go into details over what happened but I'm almost certain that we will never have any sort of relationship again. My mom has always felt like she has failed in some way with my sister and I because we have NEVER gotten along, even has young children. It kills me every time my mother says that because she has been the greatest mother (and best friend) anyone could ever ask for... she didn't fail us, my sister just has some sort of chemical imbalance ;)

Anyways, yesterday morning I heard a LOUD scream coming from the office. When I rushed in to see what was wrong, there was Kalie by the window pointing at a little frog who had gotten stuck in between the screen and the window. She was terrified that it was going to die, so Super Step-Mom came to the rescue and I saved it :)

Oh!!! I also found out yesterday that I got the job I was called in for an interview for!!! I am now a worker at the school board! Ahhh So excited!!! I can't wait till Adam comes home so I can tell him! :)

Today was pretty fun. My mom and dad watched Kalie and Madelyn while my friend Tiffany and I went out to get pampered :) I haven't had a girls day out in ages so it was WONDERFUL! Massages, pedicures, shopping, and dinner :) ahhh what more could a girl want... well other then having her husband home :( I ended up buying 5 super cute (and a little sexy if I do say so myself) pairs of lace underwear today, which is definitely not something I normally wear... I was thinking of Adam a lot today though and I think that's what brought me to buy them, I wanted to give him a little surprise for when he got home. I think he'll definitely be pleasantly surprised.

When I got home, I found my parents watching TV and the girls already in bed. Apparently my mom and dad had really tired them out today. I was kind of sad to be honest though, I wished I could've hugged and kissed them goodnight, but that's OK. I know they enjoyed their day which is all that matters.

Tomorrow I have my first day of work at the School Board and I'm super excited, as well as a little nervous. My  parents said they'd watch the girls again, but I feel really bad for having them do that especially when they're sort of on a mini vacation. I think after tomorrow, I will take the girls to the Boys & Girls Club so my parents can go out and enjoy themselves.

After a wonderful day of being pampered, I think it's time to head to bed early. Kisses to you all! Have a wonderful night :)

Monday, July 4, 2011

Happy Independence Day!

Happy Independence Day to all the Veterans who have served, all the men and women who are currently serving, to all the military spouses, families, friends, to everyone! I hope everyone has a wonderful but safe holiday and don't forget the reason that we celebrate!

Last night, Adam had to leave for work for a month. We have yet to spend a 4th of July together. Despite the fact that we have dealt with year long deployments, it's still difficult being apart no matter the length of time. This will be the longest period of time in which the Kalie and Madelyn are under my watch, and I'm kind of curious to see how they do without their father being home. Hopefully there won't be any problems.

So this morning I was faced with a rather difficult situation. My sister approached me and asked me why I was so sad and when I explained that Adam had to leave for work, she said, "people leave all the time for business trips. How is this any different? I see so many military families get all worked up when their loved one leaves for deployment or whatever. It's not that difficult to deal with. Suck it up." Now don't get me wrong, I'm a pretty mellow person and I hardly am ever rude but this set me off and I ended up telling her to get out of my house. I told her that she didn't have to leave the town, but she wasn't allowed to stay with me anymore. I'm sure she was shocked that her little sister had the nerve to stand up for herself but I wasn't about to take what she said.

Anyways, I just picked up the girls from their friends house and right now they're cleaning their room. My mom and dad are coming in for a visit this evening and staying for a couple of nights which will be nice. I spent all morning cleaning and when the girls are done I think i'll take them to lunch a DQ, run a few arrends, and maybe go get a couple of sparklers and fireworks for tonight :)

I'll leave you all with my favorite military quote and my favorite military spouse video. Have a wonderful and safe 4th ya'll!:

"Next deployment always comes to soon, so love like he deploys tomorrow."

Sunday, July 3, 2011

No Golden Girls, thank YOU for being a friend!

Hmm so I was rather shocked at how my day ended up yesterday. I completely forgot about my friend Jennifer's wedding until 30 minutes before it began but I ended up making it there on time and still managed to look pretty cute ;) Her wedding was GORGEOUS! The dress looked stunning on her, the ceremony was beautiful, and the reception was a blast. Not to mention I ended up sitting with the owners of the barn that I've been riding at since I was 4 years old... but how we didn't get kicked out I truly don't know. David and Becky have always been like second parents to me but they rarely ever leave the barn but when they do, their wild side comes out lol. We were definitely the loudest table at the reception and after a couple of glasses of wine, we started one hell of a conga line! haha It was a blast and definitely something I needed.

During the wedding, I actually got a text from Adam which I wasn't expecting. He told me that his plans ended up changing and he and the girls were back home. He then asked me if I wanted to go to dinner and then go watch fireworks. I said sure but was planning on staying at the reception till it was over... why should I rush to get back to him when he has been a... what's the word I'm looking for? A big mean butt head? Ya... that'll work. So I got back to the house around 7 but told Adam and the girls to go eat without me (after 4 trips to the buffet at a wedding, food definitely wasn't on my mind... although chocolate cheese cake did sound pretty good...). They ended up ordering pizza. One of Kalie's friends came to the door while they were eating and asked if she and Madelyn wanted to go watch fireworks with her and her family... so we let them. Adam and I ended up talking after they left and worked things out... afterward we ended up having probably some of the best sex I've ever had with him (to much information I know lol).

As for today, the girls are staying with a friend, Adam is out doing yard work, and I'm on the computer filling out job applications (although getting very distracted by the Golden Girls at the moment). Very laid back day which is great and then later I think I'll try and convince Adam to grill some ribs up. Maybe even go to the Moose Lodge here in a bit and go swimming. Might as well take advantage of this gorgeous day :)

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Life is to short to be anything but happy.

Last night I came to a conclusion... I was definitely over reacting. I think I was just upset (and a bit sad) that even though my husband in home in the States, I'm not getting to see or talk to him. I just miss him. He plays such a huge role in my life. But like I said, I over reacted. I know he has a busy schedule and I know he has a lot going on in his life... sooner or later this hectic life that we live will eventually calm down.

Oh! I forgot to mention yesterday that my sister is in town and is staying with me for a couple of weeks. Most people would be very excited about seeing their sibling that they haven't seen in 6 months but I was actually dreading her visit. Our personalities have always just seemed to clash... so these next few weeks should be interesting to say the least.

My day today is looking pretty bleh, to say the least. I woke up around 8:30 to the sound of my sister in the kitchen making all sorts of noises. I came out of my bedroom to find my kitchen a complete mess! Lord knows what all she cooked... I just settled for a bowl of Honey Comb (did you know they're gonna stop making that? Apparently POST went out of business... so sad). After breakfast, my sister rushed out the door to go do who knows what, while leaving her huge mess for me to clean up. I feel like I'm taking care of a 2 year old when she's here. Even Kalie and Madelyn know how to clean up after themselves... maybe they should give Makenna some lessons on that.. Then I walked out to the back room where we keep Annie and Polo and they had destroyed their area and pooped and peed EVERYWHERE... I wasn't happy. Anyways, I'll be on the job search for the day. Then after that, I'll probably just come home and clean and curl up with some popcorn and a good movie.

Despite waking up to a messy house, 2 dogs who are just may be turned into hot-dogs, and an older sister who acts like a 3 year old, I'm actually in a pretty good mood this morning. I've decided that life is way to short to be anything but happy. There will always be things in life that bother us and makes us sad but if we dwell on those things, then we're gonna spend our whole life being miserable.

Friday, July 1, 2011

No Firework 4th

Yep, this will be my 2nd blog entry for the day and yes I do realize I don't have any followers at the moment but do I care? Nope not really. Just need to vent a little...

I love Adam, don't get me wrong but the fact that he can easily go days without talking to me when he has the opportunity to bothers me. We had plans to go to Freedom Hall tomorrow with Madelyn and Kalie to watch the Firework show but when he texted me earlier, he told me he was taking the girls to his moms tonight. Ya, he's literally coming home, getting the girls, then driving to his moms. Was I asked to come along? Nope. So I'm staying home. Oh! And the best part? I got fired from my job this morning. Why you may ask? Well because on Tuesday I had to call in from work because my best friend was in the hospital because she tried to kill herself. Then on Wednesday I got off from work so I could take the girls to the water park. And finally, I asked off work for today-Sunday because I thought Adam and I would get to spend the 4th of July weekend together. WRONG. Now I hardly ever ask off from work but this week has just been crazy. But my boss told me that he needed a more dedicated worker so he fired me. Now I feel like I asked off work for nothing because how am I going to spend my weekend? Sitting at home alone. Why don't I go out with some friends? Because they all already have plans. I'm seriously pissed.

Next week, Adam will be away with work so I wont get to see or talk to him. Then the following week, I'm going to the beach with my side of the family. So there's 2 weeks I wont see or talk to my husband. Now I've dealt with deployments before and I've gone an entire month without speaking to him but he is at home in the States now where he has the opportunity to talk with me. I just feel almost abanded. I'm not a needy person and I do like my space but good God, this is getting crazy.

Ok sorry, I just had to vent for a minute...

First blog

Hmm well I gave in... I decided finally start my blog. It's something that I've been wanting to do for a while... just never got around to it. But since my life is just so full of excitement (ha!) I figured that I would actually sit down and take the time to create one.

So when I signed up for my blog, they asked me what I would like to title my blog and it was a no-brainer. I remember the first time my family and my husbands family got together... my now MIL said, "Ya'll are such an unlikely match! Taylor is this good ole country cowgirl and Adam is this city loving sailor in the Navy," soo.... Cowgirl & The Sailor it is. I guess it is a pretty random match if you think about it. We come from completely different lifestyles. He loves the city and isn't big on the outdoors, well I mean he is but getting him to actually go tent-camping with me would be impossible. Me on the other hand, I grew up in a small country town where I spent the majority of my time either on my parents cattle farm or at the barn riding horses. But somehow, we just work.

Anyways, I've decided that I really need to expand my diet. Seems that all I've been eating lately is hummus and flat-bread... what can I say though? I'm addicted. My husband left for a couple of days ago yesterday and the minute he left, I went to Wal-Mart and bought a big ole bag of white bread... Even though my metabolism is super fast, I realize that I've been eating really unhealthy lately. I really need to do better though. Start eating healthier and working out more.

I have to go back to the Health Department on the 11th to get another Depo shot. I think I'm going to talk to them about a new form of birth control though. I've been on the Depo Shot since April, and I HATEHATEHATE it!!! It's been giving me TERRIBLE mood swings, I've bee bleeding non-stop for 2 months now, and it's even making my hair fall out. I really can't take it anymore. Adam thinks I should ask for an IUD but I read some of the side-effects that it can cause and it scared me a little. Either way though, I've got to do something else. This shot is not gonna work for me.

My day today is pretty boring unfortunately... I woke up around 8ish, got the girls up and fed them breakfast, and then got on the computer. Right now the girls are in their room watching TV and doing who knows what. I think later today I'll make a run by Wal-Mart to get a couple of things then maybe hit the DQ drive-thru for dinner. Nothing to exciting. Probably do some cleaning before then.

I've been looking at a couple of houses to rent in this area near ETSU just because I can't stand where we live. When I first met Adam, he was living in a little trailer with Madelyn and Kalie about 3 miles away from East Tennessee State U. once we got married, I moved in. Now for 3 people it works, but now that I'm here it just seems so crowded. Most of my cloths are in rubber-made containers under our bed.... ya we need a bigger place. There is only 1 bathroom (which is super super small) and with 3 girls now living in a house together, disaster is bound to happen. I love Adam and the girls, and I realize money is a bit tight right now, but I do think looking into a bigger place to rent is a good idea.

Hmm I guess that's it for now. Kinda went on and on and on for my first blog, but that's OK.